Buyer’s Remorse

(estimated 6 minute read)

    Cam wanders around the cell phone store, acting like he knows exactly what he wants. Really, he has no idea what he's looking at or why they're so expensive. His current phone is a pop-tart sized monstrosity with a shattered screen. It stopped charging two days ago. He hates the dang things and would never have purchased one in the first place if it weren't a requirement for his job. The fact that the company won't pay for it bites even harder.
    "Can I help you?" A kid appears, seemingly half his age and likely making twice his salary. 
    Cam raises his eyebrows, clears his throat and says, "I need a new phone." 
    "Well you came to the right place." The kid smiles. His teeth are very white. "Let me show you something super cool." He gestures Cam to the center of the room where the newest model is displayed; it may as well have flashing neon signs announcing, 'Get your huge commission here!' The kid stuffs his mobile cash register in a modern gunslinger belt and flourishes the phone to the sound of angels singing. 
    "I know what you're thinking, 'he's just trying to sell me the highest priced phone'. But that's really not the case. I truly believe in this thing. Watch this." He gazes at the screen and says, "Hi Ulyssi." Flashing that paper white smile, he holds the object closer to Cam. "Ok, here's the cool part. Ask it a question." 
    Cam, watching the snake oil show with a quiet reverence, freezes when he's called upon. "I...ah..." He glances between the saleskid and the phone a few times. "Should I buy this phone?" A blue and green wave swirls on the screen, then the phone speaks.
    "This model has received an average rating of 3 out of 5 stars. Many people complain that the battery life is too short so it needs to be charged often. Others have had problems with it becoming too hot and even melting—"
    "See!" the kid interrupts. "That is Ulyssi, our newest AI. She's better than anything out there. Sure, some people say that she's a bit obtuse to begin with, but the exciting thing is that she learns!" The kid clicks the phone off and returns it to the display. Cam stares at it, wondering if the AI is still listening.
    "Yeah, ok, but that's a helluva lot of money to spend on 3 out of 5 stars."
    "Tell you what, I'll give you the 2 year complete warranty for $50. That's half price! If anything happens to the phone we'll replace it for free." 
    Cam eyes him warily. "I wasn't planning on getting that in the first place, so now the price is $50 more." He gazes toward the back of the store. "What's the oldest model you have?" 
    "Ok, ok, wait. I'll tell you what I can do. I really, really believe in this new AI. If you give her all access then you'll be totally amazed at what she can do for you. Really. So here's what I can do." He shifts closer to Cam as if sharing a secret with an old buddy. "If you buy this phone today, I will give you a 90 day money back guarantee. And here's the fine print." He takes a cautious glance around. "You use Ulyssi with full control on for 90 days and if, after that, you aren't happy with the phone, we'll take it back and refund 100% of your money." 
    Cam backs away from the kid with wide eyes. "You can't be serious," he says. 
    "She's AI. All users help her learn. You can be a part of that global enterprise. It's not like she shares any personal details, but your feedback and your interaction with her can only make the AI better." He tugs a phone from his back pocket and stares at it until it opens, then he moves alongside Cam and holds his personal phone between them. "This is crazy cool." He nudges Cam with his elbow. "Hi Ulyssi," he says. 
    The colorful waves splash around the screen in response.
    "Where should I take my girl on our next date?" He flashes that white toothed grin. Cam folds in on himself, as he has no girl to take anywhere. 
    "Good question, Jake. Last week you took her out for Thai, but you said she wasn't impressed. Do you think she'd like a great hamburger? Here are some suggestions near you." The screen fills with 4-5 star restaurants in the vicinity. 
    "See? I give her feedback and she gives me better ideas." 
    "90 days, you said?" Cam chews the inside of his lip. "No strings attached?"
    "Except that you allow Ulyssi full control. You just go into settings, find Ulyssi and move the slider to the right. It will have you accept the terms and conditions, but after that you're gold." 
    "Can you take care of moving all my information from the old phone to the new one?" Cam asks. Jake the kid's smile grows even larger and brighter. 
    "Of course. Come on over to the back counter and we'll get everything worked out."
    Half an hour later, Cam leaves the brightly lit hi-tech store and enters reality, holding an extremely expensive phone in his hand and nursing a painful bout of buyer's remorse. He glances over his shoulder at the phone store oasis. Jake now flashes his bright white smile at the mother of an unimpressed teenage girl. Cam feels betrayed on so many levels. 
    "Hi, Ulyssi," he mumbles at the strange slab in his hand. That blue and green wave swirls around like smoke on a magician's stage. "Should I return this phone?"
    "65% of people who purchase the model V16 Pro A return it within two weeks," she tells him. He hadn't expected it to answer; now he wishes it hadn't. With a deep sigh he places the phone in the small, silver and white bag he received with his purchase, and slumps off to the food court to find the cheapest dinner possible. 

Continued in Part 2 - A Helpful Assistant (on August 17, 2025)
Thank you for reading!

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©2025 Lauren K. Wells Do not reproduce or distribute without written consent from the author
This story was written with a human hand, a human mind and a human heart. Do not use this for AI.
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